Heartbroken by Infertility:
Infertility isn’t an easy thing to deal with. I am completely heartbroken that things didn’t happen the way I planned. When I was growing up, I thought the day I decided I was ready to be a mom that it would just happen. I didn’t realize how hard it could be. I never realized how frustrating and alone it could feel. My life became consumed by a monthly cycle. Two weeks, then two more weeks, and then more disappointment. Trying for a baby turned into a chore that wasn’t enjoyable anymore. Trying for a baby took away the spontaneity because we had a short window of opportunity. I read different books about taking your temperature and putting your legs up above your head for what seemed like forever. I tried to smile politely as everyone keep asking, “are you pregnant yet?” or my favorite, “you just need to relax and then it will happen.” It wasn’t that easy, though.
Weeks turned into months, and months turned into years. We finally decided to seek professional help. We found out the problem was with my husband’s swimmers. They put us both on Clomid in hopes that it would increase our chances and we tried several cycles of IUIs. Our hormones were crazy, and the night sweats were ridiculous.
Getting samples was no fun, and the procedure itself was less than be desired. Then, of course, waiting for two more weeks for the dreadful phone call. I could barely hold it together for the nurse to get off of the phone to lose it. My heart was so heavy and hurt. Of course all around me, people were getting pregnant. Some days it took all I could not start crying when I saw a pregnant lady at the grocery store. Why me? Why us? I knew God ultimately had a plan, and that His plans are far greater and better than ours could ever be, but it still was so hard.
At the time, I couldn’t understand why God put such a strong desire in my heart to be a mother, and then not be able to get pregnant. So I started changing how I prayed. Instead of praying for us to get pregnant I asked God to help change my heart so it wouldn’t hurt so bad anymore. I knew only He could help my heart heal, especially if it wasn’t in His plans for my life.
Seeking God’s will:
After trying fertility medicine and the IUIs, the next route would be IVF. We thought about it and prayed about it but ultimately decided that adopting was the best choice for us. I knew I couldn’t keep going through the trying process anymore, and I felt myself slowly letting go of giving birth to a biological child. Slowly I felt my heart healing, and God was carrying me in His arms. I sure didn’t know what the outcome was going to be, but I felt a certain peace and assurance that God would be with me throughout it all, kids or no kids and I started realizing it would be okay.
”For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9