Finding New Hope:
After hearing that initial diagnosis I lost hope and needed help finding new hope. It took some time for me to come to terms with the fact that my daughter had cerebral palsy. Finding new hope after hearing those words was essential. What made it harder was when our Neurologist diagnosed her and referred us to a Physical medicine doctor, and that Physical medicine doctor said it was probably cerebral palsy but he wouldn’t official diagnosis her yet. It gave me a sliver of hope. Even though she was already receiving therapy and not much would change with an actual diagnosis I felt like we were in limbo land waiting. Time would prove though that it, in fact, was cerebral palsy.
Growing up I had always dreamed of having a daughter and the fun things we would do together, much like my relationship I have with my mother. I wanted to have that special relationship that only a mother and daughter could have. I wanted to dress her up and do girly things together. After her diagnosis, her future seemed so uncertain now. A million questions ran through my mind and would keep me awake at night.
Mind Racing Questions:
My biggest question I had was would she ever walk? I also wondered if she would be able to communicate with us or would she ever talk? Was she in pain? Would other people treat her differently or make fun of her? What did a future look like for her? I wondered if she would ever have a boyfriend and would we ever have conversations about boys? Would we go wedding dress shopping and watch her daddy walk her down that aisle looking more beautiful than ever? Would she ever have babies of her own? Will she ever be able to live on her own?
My mind raced, and the tears flowed. I felt awful and selfish having thoughts of “why me?” and “why her?” Of course, I had the thought “why after everything we have gone through to have a family is this also happening to us?” I searched high and low online trying to find answers to my questions. Trying to find someone who walked in our shoes. It seemed like a lost cause and only made me worry more, and feel worse.
Time to Grieve:
All of that searching left me with no answers. Cerebral Palsy looks different in every kid, and no doctor or textbook or someone else that has the same diagnosis can write the story that your child holds. It took some time to heal and grieve for the daughter I thought I would have. Was it fair? No, but life isn’t fair, and we were never promised that things would be easy. I had to grieve for the life I thought she would have and the life I thought I would have so I could start finding new hope. My biggest concern back then was would she ever walk. Today that is the least of my worries. The truth is I did have to grieve a loss, but I wasn’t losing
My biggest concern back then was would she ever walk. Today that is the least of my worries. The truth is I did have to grieve a loss, but I wasn’t losing her. That took me a little time to get, but once I realized that truth that’s where I started finding new hope, joy, and healing. She wasn’t dying of some terminal disease, and she wasn’t going to regress. We could still do all the fun and girly things, it just at times may look differently than I originally pictured.
Changing the Focus:
Part of me finding new hope is knowing there are so many new treatments and therapies to help her today. We would try to help her in any way that we could. I know things can always be worse and instead of focusing on the bad I try to set my eyes on all the good. She is my little girl and I get to enjoy her every day just the way she is, walking or not. The truth I also learned is that as much as I thought I would know what the future would hold for her, the thing is that none of us know what the future holds for ANY of our kids. Whether its cerebral palsy or not, nothing is for certain, and only God knows our future. It’s our job to make the best out of any situation we are given.
She’s Come So Far:
That little girl is two and a half years old now and she has come a long way. I know she has a long way to go as well. I once thought that walking would be a huge deal. Our little sunshine can’t walk on her own yet but can walk using a gait trainer to help hold her up, and for that, I am blessed. One year ago she couldn’t sit up at all on her own but now if positioned just right she can sit up for a good minute or two. For that, I feel blessed. I also am finding new hope that maybe one day she can do these things, and if not that’s okay. My little girl has great head control and for that I am grateful.
My little girl understands everything going on around her and responds appropriately. She may not have the same vocabulary as other kids her age but she does have several words that she uses and is able to use some sign language. I learned sign language and taught the boys when they were little so I already knew how to teach her. Our little girl can light up a room with her beautiful smile, and has the best belly laugh a person could have. She is spunky and spicy, sweet and sassy, She is very smart, exhibits great determination, and knows what she wants. That my friends I know will get her far.
I Have Grown:
I too have come a long way. With God’s help, I am a work in progress as I continue to work through it all and grow. Things I once took for granted, I am learning to appreciate more. I have learned to ask for help and am receiving help because I can’t do it all on my own. That was and is a hard lesson for my controlling self to learn. God has taught me once again, that He is in control, not me. I am finding new hope that things are and will be okay, even though there may be some rough days, weeks, or months. My daughter has opened my eyes up to a whole new world that I never knew. I am forever changed because of it and feel forever blessed.
My Wish For You:
Friends, I don’t know what struggles you may be facing today, but I want you to know I am here to listen if you need a friend. You may be searching for answers for finding new hope. You may be at the beginning of your scary journey or battle or deep in the trenches. I have learned to reach out to people and show my most vulnerable self. That is hard and scary, but with it comes healing. There will be good days and bad, and times where the bad outweigh the good. Hang in there dear friend you are not alone. I pray that you find peace and feel the love of your Savior to help you to start finding new hope.
Music can be very therapeutic and has a way of reaching the depths of my broken and weary heart and the words to In Christ Alone helps me greatly. Please take a moment to listen to this beautiful song. Share this post with others that need help in finding new hope.